Hello everyone. I'm new to LJ, and new to this community. After reading and commenting on a few posts, I think I should probably post something to introduce myself. I guess I’ll give you a short version of a long story.

OK, so, after about 4 years of being single, and having a handful of short-lived somethings with men and women, I've decided that I'm done looking for something with a man that I will never find. I've been denying myself of this freedom for so many years--ever since long before losing my first girlfriend because of my own fear and shame. That was short-lived because when I met her I had just gotten accepted to college out of state, and I was getting ready to move. But it was even shorter than it had to be because my mom walked in on us while we were drunk, fooling around in my bedroom. 

At the time, I was just so into her that I didn't even really care that I had just totally been busted, and effectively outed by my mom. I said, "Fuck it. I'll deal with her in the morning." Needless to say, I woke up the next day with a knot in my stomach--a mixture of a hangover and of knowing that I was going to have to sit down with my mom when she came home and explain to her what she had seen the night before. My little lady friend left my mom's house and went 4 hours away to her home in the town where we had met--the same 4 hours she had driven to come down to spend time with me in the first place. She came to visit me for one day and then she was gone. That was more than 3 years ago and I haven’t seen her since.

I sat with my mom that night and explained to her what I was feeling. I explained to her that this isn't just a phase I'm going through, but instead, something that I've felt my whole life. "Mom, don't you remember always scolding me when I was a little girl because I would fall in love with the pretty high school girls, and want to hold their hands, and follow them around like a little puppy? Remember catching me up late at night watching all the naked ladies on Cinemax?"

"But," she said, "you always had boyfriends. You always had some boy calling you, or coming to the house to bring you gifts. You've always liked boys. I just don't understand." She said all this while trying to stifle her sobs and sniffles. 

"Mom, don't you remember that every time one of those boys came around, I wouldn't put out, and most of the time I would just tell them to fuck off. Don't you remember that? How many actual boyfriends did I really have in high school? My friends always had boyfriends, and I always had boys that were friends. There's a big difference. And what about the stuff that I was into growing up? You and Dad got me a BMX bike for my 12th birthday! Remember? I wanted it so I could hang out with the boys doing boy things. You're telling me you had no clue I was different?"

My mom was devastated. I've always been the type that did or didn't do things based on how I thought my parents would react. I never ever wanted to disappoint them. Now I was a disappointment. Gradually I got back to seeing guys. It has since become glaringly obvious that I can’t really go back now. I had wanted to be with a woman for so long. After finally giving in and allowing myself that experience, I don’t know if there’s a guy out there that can make me feel the way I feel when I’m with a woman. I don’t know if I can, or want to for that matter, go back.

So I've been trying to be "normal," for about the last 3 years. I've dated guys just so that I have an answer for my mom that won't make her cry. This summer, though I started going out to lesbian bars and meeting some girls, and everything has changed. Being away from home and having the freedom to be myself unapologetically has been the best experience I ever could have asked for. I’ve finally let my alter-ego out of her cage, and I love her. That bitch is crazy!

I have so much more to tell, but this is getting pretty long, and I’m flippin exhausted. I’ll be back soon, my lovelies.